3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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