Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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