it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
