Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
