He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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