i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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