She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
