For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
