My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
