dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
