Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
