Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
