Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
