Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
