So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
