He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
