Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
