Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
