the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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