i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
