If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
my liver is dry heaving
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
