when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
