If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
