Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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