You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
