i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
