After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
