I wish they made helmets for livers.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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