there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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