This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
