i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Floor bacon is actually really good
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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