i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize