she woke up with a sticky ear
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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