All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
