Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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