i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize