His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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