Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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