If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
