I heard we made out
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize