So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize