I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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