C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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