Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
