I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
