Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
