He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize