when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
