i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
