i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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