Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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