I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
