Umm I'm too high to move.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
zippers are such a cool invention
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
