Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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