when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
They have beer where we have blood.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
