Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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