lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
