Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
