It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
