Capitaan dildo arrescate!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize