Tell her she can't have a vagina
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
